THIS SITE IS A SECRET
You have been chosen because we think you’re one of the “cool” ones. As you scroll down, there will be a number of “requirements”. Please read them carefully! If you don’t think you will be able to fulfill those requirements, stop now.
If you choose to accept, you may scroll now
THE DATE IS APRIL 27th 2024
THE TIME IS @958.beats
(if you don’t know what that time means, search “Swatch Internet Time”)
THIS WEDDING IS A SECRET
You cannot tell anyone about the wedding. Not that you are involved, nor that the wedding is happening at all.
Not friends. Not family. Not your priest. Tell Nobody.
THIS INVITE IS FOR YOU ONLY
There are no +1s. This invite extends only to people who are named on the envelope.
MAINTAIN KAYFABE
In the world of professional wrestling, kayfabe is the lived fiction that everything that happens is 100% real. Any time a wrestler could be seen in public, they must act as though everything they did in character was not an act, but, in fact, reality.
You are being tasked with maintaining kayfabe for this wedding for the rest of your life, regardless of who you talk to, even to friends, family, and others in attendance. The general public believes that the party getting married have already been so for the last 15 years.
So…
This wedding never happened, the couple has been married for 15 years, and there is no war in Ba Sing Se.
YOU CAN’T HAVE PHOTOS OF A WEDDING THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN
You will be forbidden from taking photos at this wedding. You will be forbidden from sharing photos from this wedding.
A photographer will be in attendance. You will receive copies of these photos when they are done. Once you receive photos from the wedding, you still may not share them. You can look at them and remember the good time you have, but they are a gift from us to you.
Even if the couple shares these photos, they will do so in such a way that implies it was not a wedding. This does not grant permission to share them yourselves.
NO ONE NEEDS TO GET SICK
Either full vaccination *or* masks are required. If you are showing flu or COVID symptoms or have reason to believe you have either, do not attend.
THIS IS A DRY WEDDING
We will not be serving alcohol. Do not bring any either or you will be removed.
NO GIFTS
We don’t want your gifts. The gift you are giving us is your companionship during our special day.
However, if you cannot abide by that (for reasons of malice, stupidity, or a misguided sense that the exchange of currency is the best way to show love and affection), you can donate to one or more of THESE charities.
DRESS CODE
There is a dress code for this wedding, albeit a loose one. The priority list is as follows:
-
Highland garb if you already have it or can reasonably obtain it
-
Somewhere between semiformal & business casual if you can’t
-
SCA garb if you must (you know who you are)
The wedding will be outdoors; the reception afterward will not. Dress accordingly to April weather.
SWORDS ARE ENCOURAGED
If you have a sword or can reasonably obtain one (preferably, but not exclusively, a highland one) you may bring exactly one (1) per guest.
EMBRACE WEIRD
As you may be able to tell already, this wedding may be a bit non-traditional. After all, “normal” is just a setting on the washing machine. If you can't handle the odd, strange, interesting, novel, or even a bit “cringe”, that’s on you, not us.
BE SMART; BE KIND
There will be all sorts of different people at this wedding. Please do not use this as an opportunity to start a fight. Remember, you’re supposed to be one of the “cool” ones. Be kind to each other and remember why you are here.
Also, most people will have swords, so think twice before being a jerk.
THE RECEPTION WILL HAVE...
No dancing, an open mic for people who want to say a few words, and tons upon tons of tabletop games to enjoy (you can even bring your own, if you'd like).
You will be tasked with getting out of your comfort zone and playing games with new people.
RECEPTION MEAL
Catering for the reception will be provided by the greatest restaurant in the world, Hot Chicken Takeover in Columbus, OH along with cupcakes provided by Luke’s Custom Cakes, as well as the nectar of the gods, Amish Wedding Cider.
We ask about dietary restrictions during the RSVP
NOW THAT YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR
The location for the wedding is: 39.28370075858883, -84.26562485190135
The location for the reception afterward is: 39.39997057307684, -84.56083780771726
NO, WE ARE NOT TELLING YOU WHO THE WEDDING IS FOR
If you’ve not been able to figure it out through context clues by now, you are truly lost.
FINALLY, AT LONG LAST…
THE RSVP FORM
PLEASE RSVP NO LATER THAN MARCH 27th 2024
Still have questions? CLICK HERE!